When You Need Counseling but Don’t Want It
We’ve all been there, right? We’re looking back and reflecting on our lives and know that we don’t like what we see. The only thing is that the images we’re looking at aren’t quite ugly enough to make us commit to the hard process of change. We sit back and wonder how we ever got here. We know things need to change. We don’t want to look back on our lives a year from now and see some of the same images staring back at us. Yeah, we’re tired of being stressed out, feeling lonely, crying constantly, emotionally void, and making decisions that you know we’ll regret later; but change is hard. Change is scary. Besides, changing does not necessarily guarantee us happiness, right?
So, what do we do? We dress up our problems, so the images look a little cuter. We cover up the rough spots that are really exposed and keep it moving. When that doesn’t work, we just stop looking back and refuse to sit in still moments that force us to reflect. We don’t have to address what we refuse to see, right!?
A lot of people want counseling, but don’t want to change.
As a teen, I kept this notebook that I would write words of wisdom in. Some of them were from conversations that I would have with other people. Some were things I heard in a movie or at church, and others were what I read in books. This was at a time when I didn’t fully understand the necessity and legality of citing sources, so I have no idea where many of the quotes I’ve written came from. But I wrote a quote down that has stuck with me throughout the years. The source is anonymous, even Google cannot find it. The message still holds true today and is something that I say often to myself and when working with clients. “Change is the willful, deliberate choice to suffer.” – Anonymous.
Change is hard, y’all. And when you look at the truth within the quote above, change sometimes seems like a crazy idea. Suffer? Who truly wants to suffer? How many people would you see lined up early to snag this deal? I can’t think of one. Can you? The truth is, we all love comfort. We search for it in almost every aspect of our lives. We buy and make things to enhance our comfort, so why would anyone want to make the choice to deliberately suffer?
Change seems so counterintuitive, even when it’s necessary.
Many people get excited about the possibility of change but fail to realize that even when you change for good, it hurts. It requires some level of sacrifice and self-denial. It requires us to suffer or at least experience some level of discomfort. This is why so many people start off with New Year’s resolutions and fall back into old patterns by February or March. I’ve heard from a lot of people that have even stopped making New Year’s resolutions completely and just focus on a word for the year. Seems easier to focus on a positive word rather than start or stop doing something that’s needed for a better or more sustainable life.
When change becomes inconvenient and uncomfortable, we start to analyze our situations again and wonder if things are really that bad. Then we start to make compromises. Well, instead of completely cutting out __________, I’ll just have it on Saturdays as a treat for being disciplined during the weekdays. My relationship isn’t as bad as ______________. I mean, everybody worries, so my anxiety is normal. Besides, I’ve tried to challenge my thoughts 3 times this week, and it didn’t really work. Back to life as we know it. Unhealthy patterns and all, but we started out really wanting to change.
I tell my clients all the time that wanting something and having the discipline to get it are two very different things. We talk a lot about whether their desires meet their capacity. Do you actually have the capacity to live out the very thing that you say you want? And please do not be mistaken, capacity is very different than motivation. So, I make it very clear when working with clients that I am not asking if they are motivated to change. Motivation is very similar to feelings. It changes depending on what is happening in and around us. I’m motivated to eat better when I’m in the doctor’s office when he's reading me my latest labs that show my health has plummeted. I lose that motivation when I’m stressed out and just want some Blue Bell banana pudding ice cream to help me drown my feelings. I’m motivated to leave my relationship when I find my partner texting the other female that he told me was his cousin. I lose that motivation when I start thinking about how I will afford to live on my own. Don’t be fooled into thinking that you need motivation to start making moves. You don’t. Point. Blank. Period. Motivation is fleeting and does not guarantee that it will take you to the finish line. You need to be deeply connected to the reason why you’re changing and be disciplined enough to stay the course, even when hard times have you searching for the nearest exit.
So, what should you do if you need to change but don’t want to?
Keep doing you. That’s what you want to do and will do anyway. You really just want someone to tell you it’s okay. Well, here you go… do you, boo. Just stop complaining about it. You cannot keep complaining about a choice that you realistically know you’ll continue making. Live fully in your choices and in the consequences of them. Being hard on yourself or continuously complaining about your toxic lifestyle isn’t a true motivating factor in initiating change when and where change is necessary. I’ve sat in too many spaces where people will talk about the changes they want to see and walk out of the room only to make the same choices they were making before they entered.
Let me follow that up by saying that if change is what you really need to do, you will grow tired of being in the same unhealthy and harmful cycles. It will be at that moment when your need to change will match your readiness for change. You’ll then have the capacity and discipline to start making necessary shifts in your life. It’s not until we’re sick and tired of being sick and tired that we finally decide that we’ve had enough. It’s in that moment when no excuse is good enough to make you continue to make the same choices you’ve been making.
When you ‘re ready to change and truly want help, please know that help is available. No matter how your bank account is set up, whether you have insurance or not, or can truly afford the help you need with or without assistance, there are options available to you. Our counselors at HOPE are here to walk alongside you on the sometimes painful but freeing journey of change. If we are not the right fit for you, we will find someone who is. We truly believe that everybody should be living a healthier and more joyful life. Counseling can help.
Are you ready to change? Begin counseling with HOPE.
Meet with one of our skilled counselors.
Begin living the life you’ve been wanting to live. You only have one life to live. Make it a good one!